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Old 06-30-2010, 11:23 AM   #1
The_EE
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Default Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

Onion
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:33 AM   #2
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i didnt know what to think until i noticed the link at the bottom
...they are some messed up individuals at that site, usually good for a decent laugh to
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:45 AM   #3
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More liberal BS designed to belittle the "stupid, uneducated" Right.

They generally cannot win arguements without refering to "their feelings" and when that doesn't work it is time to start flinging insults.

Perhaps the poster thought this was hilarious. Perhaps he thought it was thought provoking. Me, I just find it insulting...
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:02 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_EE
ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

Onion
LMAO


Where's Murphy???
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:04 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmckown
They generally cannot win arguements without refering to "their feelings" and when that doesn't work it is time to start flinging insults.
Oh, poor you.

Last edited by hunto; 06-30-2010 at 12:30 PM. Reason: I'm feeling mellow and an old Sophia Loren movie is on TV
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:18 PM   #6
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Ah, fer fuck's sake!! Here we go again.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:26 PM   #7
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You're cherry picking your "representatives" for conservatism.

Sounds like that daughter is a likewise ignorant leftist:

Quote:
"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."
I'll be sure to send my healthcare bills from the past 5 decades to the govt so they can pay up...


At least the father holds to basic constitutional principles though he doesn't know exactly what it says, or the history involved. Slavery, for instance.

The Left can only think about more handouts.
Provided someone else is paying for them, of course.

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Old 06-30-2010, 12:26 PM   #8
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Not poor me at all. Toss all the insults you want. Just shows you for what you are...
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:04 PM   #9
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When I get time tonight....we need a lesson here...a series of lessons.

Scott
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:20 PM   #10
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Default ....

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Just goes to show you that when stupid breeds it only results in more stupid.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:27 PM   #11
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bah! escondildo? they should visit the east county, they could find someone way wackier to profile.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:35 PM   #12
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guys its from the ONION again. not a real libtard story.

the same gag site that brought us the leaked election results BEFORE the vote
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:39 PM   #13
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Well now we know what sewer EE lives in.

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Old 06-30-2010, 02:53 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lsmurphy
Well now we know what sewer EE lives in.

Scott

Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming
Satire is funnier when it is about other people
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:05 PM   #15
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global warming? hahahahahahahahaha
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:34 PM   #16
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The crew at the Onion are probably just venting that a certain recent Supreme Court decision didn't go the way they wanted.
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