Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six

[CAMPYBOB]

WASHINGTON, DC—Flanked by key members of Congress and his administration, President Bush approved Monday a streamlined version of the Bill of Rights that pares its 10 original amendments down to a "tight, no-nonsense" six.

As supporters look on, Bush signs the Bill Of Rights Reduction And Consolidation Act.
A Republican initiative that went unopposed by congressional Democrats, the revised Bill of Rights provides citizens with a "more manageable" set of privacy and due-process rights by eliminating four amendments and condensing and/or restructuring five others. The Second Amendment, which protects the right to keep and bear arms, was the only article left unchanged.

Calling the historic reduction "a victory for America," Bush promised that the new document would do away with "bureaucratic impediments to the flourishing of democracy at home and abroad."

"It is high time we reaffirmed our commitment to this enduring symbol of American ideals," Bush said. "By making the Bill of Rights a tool for progress instead of a hindrance to freedom, we honor the true spirit of our nation's forefathers."

The Fourth Amendment, which long protected citizens' homes against unreasonable search and seizure, was among the eliminated amendments. Also stricken was the Ninth Amendment, which stated that the enumeration of certain Constitutional rights does not result in the abrogation of rights not mentioned.

"Quite honestly, I could never get my head around what the Ninth Amendment meant anyway," said outgoing House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-TX), one of the leading advocates of the revised Bill of Rights. "So goodbye to that one."

Amendments V through VII, which guaranteed the right to legal counsel in criminal cases, and guarded against double jeopardy, testifying against oneself, biased juries, and drawn-out trials, have been condensed into Super-Amendment V: The One About Trials.

Attorney General John Ashcroft hailed the slimmed-down Bill of Rights as "a positive step."

"Go up to the average citizen and ask them what's in the Bill of Rights," Ashcroft said. "Chances are, they'll have only a vague notion. They just know it's a set of rules put in place to protect their individual freedoms from government intrusion, and they assume that's a good thing."



Bush works on revisions to the Bill of Rights.
Ashcroft responded sharply to critics who charge that the Bill of Rights no longer safeguards certain basic, inalienable rights.

"We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security," Ashcroft said. "By allowing for greater government control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective operation of the federal government."

Ashcroft added that, thanks to several key additions, the Bill of Rights now offers protections that were previously lacking, including the right to be protected by soldiers quartered in one's home (Amendment III), the guarantee that activities not specifically delegated to the states and people will be carried out by the federal government (Amendment VI), and freedom of Judeo-Christianity and non-combative speech (Amendment I).

According to U.S. Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), the original Bill of Rights, though well-intentioned, was "seriously outdated."

"The United States is a different place than it was back in 1791," Craig said. "As visionary as they were, the framers of the Constitution never could have foreseen, for example, that our government would one day need to jail someone indefinitely without judicial review. There was no such thing as suspicious Middle Eastern immigrants back then."

Ashcroft noted that recent FBI efforts to conduct investigations into "unusual activities" were severely hampered by the old Fourth Amendment.

"The Bill of Rights was written more than 200 years ago, long before anyone could even fathom the existence of wiretapping technology or surveillance cameras," Ashcroft said. "Yet through a bizarre fluke, it was still somehow worded in such a way as to restrict use of these devices. Clearly, it had to go before it could do more serious damage in the future."

The president agreed.

"Any machine, no matter how well-built, periodically needs a tune-up to keep it in good working order," Bush said. "Now that we have the bugs worked out of the ol' Constitution, she'll be purring like a kitten when Congress reconvenes in January—just in time to work on a new round of counterterrorism legislation."

"Ten was just too much of a handful," Bush added. "Six civil liberties are more than enough."

[Accurizer]

Ha, that's good. Reminds me of "Bill-O'-Rights Lite":

"Bill O' Rights Lite

By John Perry Barlow

With quiet efficiency, our understanding of the first 10 amendments
to the constitution has been profoundly revised by the state and Federal
judiciary during the last couple decades, sparing us the untidy
political melee of a constitutional convention.
In light of these changes, a new Bill of Rights,
based on current case law, might look something like what follows.

AMENDMENT I.

Congress shall encourage the practice of Judeo-Christian religion by its
own public exercise thereof and shall make no laws abridging the freedom
of "responsible" speech, unless such speech is in a digitized form or
contains material that is copyrighted, classified, proprietary or deeply
offensive to non-Europeans, non-males, differently-abled or
alternatively preferenced persons; or the right of the people to
peaceably assemble, unless such assembly is taking place on corporate or
military property or within an electronic environment; or to petition
the Government for a redress of grievances, unless those grievances
relate to national security.

AMENDMENT II.

A well-regulated Militia having become irrelevant to the security of the
State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms against each other,
shall nevertheless remain uninfringed, excepting such arms as may be
afforded by the poor or those preferred by drug pushers, terrorists and
organized criminals, which shall be banned.

AMENDMENT III.

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without
the consent of the owner, unless that house is thought to have been used
for the distribution of illegal substances.

AMENDMENT IV.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers,
and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, may be
suspended to protect public welfare. Upon the unsupported suspicion of
law enforcement officials, any place or conveyance shall be subject to
immediate search, and any such places or conveyances or property within
them may be permanently confiscated without further jucdicial proceeding.

AMENDMENT V.

Any person may be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous
crime involving illicit substances, terrorism or upon any suspicion
whatever; and may be subject for the same offense to be twice put in
jeopardy of life or limb, once by the state courts and again by the
Federal judiciary; and may be compelled by various means, including the
forced submission of breath samples,bodily fluids or encryption keys to
be a witness against himself, refusal to do so constituting an admission
of guilt, and may be deprived of life, liberty, or property without
further legal delay; and any private property thereby forfeited shall be
dedicated to the discretioary use of law enforcement agents without just
compensation.

AMENDMENT VI.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and private plea bargaining session before pleading guilty. He is
entitled to the assistance of underpaid and indifferent counsel to
negotiate his sentence, except where such sentence falls under Federal
mandatory sentencing requirements.

AMENDMENT VII.

In suits at common law, where the contesting parties have nearly
unlimited resources to spend on legal fees, the right of trial by jury
shall be preserved.

AMENDMENT VIII.

Sufficient bail may be required to insure that dangerous criminals will
remain in custody, where cruel and unusual punishments are usually inflicted.

AMENDMENT IX.

The enumeration in the Constition, of certain rights, shall not be
construed to deny or disparage others which may be retained by the
Government to preserve public order, family values or national security.

AMENDMENT X.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are
reserved to the Departments of Justice and Treasury, except when the
states are willing to forsake Federal financing.

By John Perry Barlow*
Reprinted with permission.
*John Perry Barlow, a former lyricist for the Grateful Dead, and is co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

Restore the Bill of Rights!

Vote Libertarian!"

[sjohnson]

I'd tell you what I thought of this, but given the newly crafted amendment ensuring my right to non-combative speach, what I said would land me in the pokey.

[snakebyte]

Funny it may be, but its only a matter of time before they try this. and my money is on hilary trying to totally obliterate the second amendment.

[panzertruppe]

It's been this way since the Warren courts,

Read Borks Tempting of America...

panzertruppe

[Geist762]

That's pornography.

Now I'm going to have to adjust my browser settings
to filter out Bill of Rights and pornographic gun sites...

Kids might see.

[snakebyte]

Originally Posted by Geist762

That's pornography.

Now I'm going to have to adjust my browser settings
to filter out Bill of Rights and pornographic gun sites...

Kids might see.

I'm lost...

[CPO TED]

Originally Posted by snakebyte

I'm lost...

The word is "DOOMED".

....And we all are!


CPO Ted

[partymember]

"doot doo doot, a sunshine daydream..."

anyone else got the Grateful Dead in their heads?

[7.62Blaster]

I admit, I was a bushbot.

Until he casually mentioned that America should be an idea, not a country.

Should be hung by his fucking toes.

[Geist762]

Originally Posted by Geist762

That's pornography.

Now I'm going to have to adjust my browser settings
to filter out Bill of Rights and pornographic gun sites...

Kids might see.

Liberals used to put gun websites in their childproof browsers.

They considered it pornography.

It was twisted humor.

C3PO Ted, we're not doomed, yet.

[sjohnson]

childproof browser - there's a classic oxymoron.

[lextech]

So Im not paranoid, the government IS out to get me!

[ColonelKorn]

You really think you have rights??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[lextech]

The right to remain silent, anything I say or due can used against me when the goobermint kicks in my door, steals my property and ships me off to prison in Cuba indeffinately.

[drjarhead]

Originally Posted by ColonelKorn

You really think you have rights???

Yes. I do.

[ColonelKorn]

Didn't you see my tongue in my cheek, DrJ?

[drjarhead]

Originally Posted by ColonelKorn

Didn't you see my tongue in my cheek, DrJ?

Yes. I did.